It was one of the first things when we learned that he has a brain tumor, that I knew I had to get support. To get me and the little one through this.
In November I found a therapist who had the possibility to see me. The first meeting we were both sure that we need to get a 'toolkit' for me. The second meeting was okay. The third was on Tuesday.
I was sent a paper with 50 questions about my past (starting with if my mother breastfed me). I can answer this all without pain. I have worked on that 20 years ago. But it took so much of my free time, which I rarely have, that I decided after 20 questions to stop answering them.
I told the therapist that I am looking for support right now for the problem I have right now. She wouldn't really listen and said I could do the rest 'later', I would have done the difficult question already anyway. ?!?! I let that paper lay on the table.
I told her about Monday and the conversation with my partner. She had a ton of suggestions (from him writing a letter to his parents to me going on a trip on my own, instead of flying with him to Croatia.) In the end I asked her what I should do, I felt so misunderstood and in the wrong place where I originally came to for support. 'Well you turn down all my suggestions. I guess than you have to feel tied down like him'
That moment I realized that we were in no way on the same level. I had seen her ego a couple of times before.
First of all, I have never tried to change my partner in the past years. I love thim for what he is. If I wanted him to be different, I would love someone else. That does not mean that I agree with everything he does. There is a big difference.
Secondly, I realized it is really not about finding solutions. This has been my living concept for ever. It does not work anymore, as no one finds a solution that solves this fucking problem we have. Unless you can cure this glioblastom. But still, we would never be the same as before.
Another thing is that when we talk about things that make him angry of feel unsecure, that feeling sticks with me and other way round. We are connected with our feelings so much. It is not our opinions or beliefs that is our basis, it is love. So the only way to help him and help me same time, is to be kind. He knows what he 'should' be doing. It does not get any better when I speak it out loud. The only result is both of us being hurt in different ways, feeling sad and not capeable of helping the other one.
So finally it became very very clear to me that the only way to get through this and not be broken hearted, hopeless, angry and sad, is LOVE.
So I decided the next morning to call the therapist and let her know that we cannot work together on this. I want someone to listen to my grief, where I can cry for one hour straight, being unbelievable sad about losing the love of my life. And I want this someone to be paid for this, not being a friend.
She was fine with that and told me a person who may help. So next step is to arrange a meeting.
Last night I slept with my old teddybear pressed against my chest, waking up in the middle of the night all sweaty with pain in my legs as I am so scared. I feel that doing it my way is the only chance to not be broken. I so refuse to letting cancer steal my love and strength. Although this sure is the hardest way, there is no other option for me than grow.