I'm gonna lose you, like I am gonna love you
Just a song. But so much to it right now.
We had coffee together today. I don't know what happened, but let's say I didn't have it under control. I told you how I feel.
Well, I told you that I would love to fly to Croatia with you for a couple of days. By the way so that you can show me your future grave. I didn't even get near to how this all feels for me. Maybe I should have and the afternoon would have went different. Or gotten worse, who knows.
I did what my therapist told me and noticed again. I really do know best myself what is appropriate and suits us and me. This was too much for you to handle. And it brakes my heart in two, to see that the strong man is not there anymore. Seeing you notice this yourself was even harder, so I put an end to the situation and asked you to go for a walk. I am so sorry my love. I feel your pain and your frustration and YES, you are handling this great! You are so much stronger and calmer than I would ever be. And yes your situation sucks big time. You are the one dying.
I am the one losing you. Staying here without you. Which is something I was always afraid of and never wanted.
I feel broken hearted. Like you have already left. But still I sit there and look in your wonderful eyes and ask myself why the hell I cannot enjoy spending time with you today. Why did I had to turn this into something sad for the both of us. Like you said, we could have just have had some time together, drinking a cup of coffee. Maybe because this is just the outside shell. Inside we talk about your headache and how that felt yesterday and how it is might feel tomorrow. We might as well talk the same way about my pain. Nothing there to change, nothing here that helps. But we don't, because your head and heart is busy with yourself. And I see, feel and understand that.
Still I am hurt.
I don't think this will change. But I know I have to find a fucking way to turn this whole situation back into love. I don't want to be mad at you for letting me alone with all of this. But I am and I won't tell you as you would have to rest or get stomach pain. I love you too much to tell you.
I am so sorry love, I was not strong enough today. I will try again tomorrow.
For now, whiskey and tears.